Interview with Bigfoot

STOP THE PRESSES!!!

Isn’t that what they used to say –- back when there STILL WERE presses?

Believe it or not, your intrepid reporter –- Steve (Re)Porter -– has achieved what many once thought impossible: He scored an interview with the ACTUAL BIGFOOT!

Yes, Bigfoot – Sass, for Sasquatch (as he prefers to be called) –- finally agreed to a sit-down with Steve because, well, he’s so frequently in the news but never gets to tell his side of the story.

STEVE: Sass, thanks for agreeing to an interview to tell the world what’s REALLY up with you.

SASS: Yeah, well, I keep seeing these stories about me in the media and they really do me no favors. Know what I mean?

STEVE: Not really, Sass. Can you elaborate?

SASS: OK. Let’s start with all these photos and video clips that keep circulating. I mean, they’re coming from all over the world. It used to be just the Himalayas, or a forest in the northwest United States. But now they’re saying I’m all over the place!

Look: I’m just ONE big hairy monster guy, and I can’t be EVERYWHERE! I don’t wanna say WHERE I live, because, well, there would go the neighborhood. But let’s just say it’s as far from people as I can get.

SASS: It almost makes me think that most of those “Bigfoot sightings” are just guys in furry suits!

STEVE: So there’s only ONE Bigfoot?

SASS: Hell yes! And I’m the ONE AND ONLY Bigfoot. All these other so-called "Bigfeet" are just trying to cut in on my action. They want the attention that ONLY I deserve!

STEVE: But Sass, if you really wanted attention, why don’t you just let someone take a clear and non-fakeable photo of you?

SASS: Hey, don’t ask ME why people can never get close enough to a big, lumbering manimal to get a decent shot of me. I mean, a hefty monster like me can't run very fast and — if someone REALLY wanted to chase me down and take an award-winning, career-defining, high-dollar photo of me -- they certainly could.

STEVE: So why don’t you let them catch up to you, or simply walk up to the camera and offer to split the take from National Enquirer for the photo?

SASS: Well, to be honest, I don’t really LIKE people and don’t want to get that close to them. (Whispering) I hear they really STINK if you get too close…

STEVE: So Sass, if there’s really only ONE of you, don’t you ever get lonely?

SASS: (Choking back tears) Uh-huh. I often wish there was a female Bigfoot I could snuggle with in my cave (sniff). And heck, I might not always be around, and who’s gonna carry on for me when I’m gone? We’re gonna need some "Littlefoots" at some point.

So... I’m just gonna go on looking for a mate (sigh) and staying as far away from humans as possible.

STEVE: Well, good luck with that, Sass.

SASS: Thanks, Steve. You seem like a fairly decent human. But you might want to load up on some AXE Body Spray next time we get together. OK? Phewww!

STEVE: Uh, right, Sass. Sorry.